first class

I completed the circle. I taught my first class this morning at 9 a.m. There were 10 students, 3 of them were my teachers. I put my new lululemon outfit on, fixed my ponytail, flipped on the headset, took a deep breath, and did it. It wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad. My students did 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises. They stretched, pushed, pulled, and breathed. They were so focused. I was impressed. For some reason, I expected the class to seem much more unruly, out of control, I expected people to be looking at me. When I forgot to say "arms over your head", they did it anyway, when I said left when it should have been right, they did it right anyway. It was actually kind of fun. I think I smiled 3 times. Next class, I'll shoot for 4 or 5 smiles. I think I'm going to love my job. Thank you for your support. Namaste.

week 8

Wow. I don't think its really hit me yet that we only have one week left. We finished memorizing and performing dialoge in the posture clinics yesterday. The timing was perfect. The last few people did their spine twisting pose and then Bikram, having just arrived back from Tokyo, taught a very difficult, long, hot afternoon class. During class I had a few moments of panic. I saw people leaving the room, sitting down, I was thirsty and overheated, and I wasn't sure I could do it. Then, I remembered my breath. If there's one thing they're drilling into our heads and bodies here it is to remember to breathe. I have a much deeper connection with my breath now than I have ever before, and I trust it. It really has gotten me through alot.

Posture clinic, in particular, has been a lesson in trusting myself and remembering to breathe. For most of us, standing up in front of a crowd and speaking into a microphone creates a lot of anxiety. 25 times we waited in line to get up and deliver the dialogue on the microphone to a mock class of teacher trainers. 25 times I got sweaty palms and a shaky voice. The only thing that could take the nervousness away, or at least dissipate it enough to be able to speak properly, was to remember to breathe. Then, to remember why I love this yoga, that once I stand up in the front of that hot room, it is no longer about me, its about my students, to teach from my heart and trust that I have done this class over and over and over again and I know the postures.

I am now at the point where I am constantly visualizing myself in Albuquerque with the headset on, on the podium, with people standing on the line waiting for my instruction. (My heart races just thinking of it.) But, I'm going to take my own advice: breathe, and remember that there's no real reason to be so nervous because its not about me at that point.

This last week I am going to try and absorb as much as I can from the amazing people that I am surrounded by, and prepare myself to teach my first class in Albuquerque on Tueday at 9 a.m. (oh my Gawd!) I'm going to remember to breathe and stay present in the moment as I totally expect to be pushed beyond my limits this week, as I have been for the 8 previous weeks. I can't wait to see everyone. Thanks for reading my blog. I'll write once more next week. Take care.

week 7

Week 7 almost killed me, which I think was the desired effect. Then, we had a talent show last night that made it all go away. I am amongst such beautiful, brave, amazing, talented people, there is no doubt in my mind this is a worthwhile challenge.

There aren't many situations I can think of that I would completely give up art making for, for 9 weeks. This blog has really been my one creative outlet since I arrived here, but surprisingly enough, I'm okay with that. Participating in this training, in this yoga, is itself a creative endeavour, creating a new life, a new body, new confidence, a new perspective.

I can't begin to consolidate all I've learned here, or even process it all yet, but I do know that yoga is a powerful tool for healing and transformation. I know that yoga helps people find peace, balance, and calm. I know that yoga is about oneself, there is no need for competition, or comparison with others. I believe that Bikram yoga has the potential to help people lead much happier lives, and that is something I want to be a part of.

week six

I remember the first day Jason and I were in Albuquerque and I couldn't stop sneezing, I was so miserable and depressed. We'd bought a house and moved to a town that I was allergic to. Great, a lifetime of phlegm. We were going back to our home from Lowe's, and I saw the Bikram Yoga sign. I had a feeling that maybe I could stand living in Albuquerque. The next day I put my mat and towel down in that hot room, and I stopped sneezing for 90 minutes. And the next day, and the next day....

I can't believe I'm here. I wanted this so badly. Six months is the minimum amount of time that one can be practicing before coming to training. I've been practicing for seven now (but I think I can count the last month as 2 or 3). I feel blessed. What a luxury to be able to sweat and stretch my body 3 hours a day, challenge myself physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually... to learn from some of the most amazing teachers ever and meet beautiful soulful people from around the world. This is me being as positive as I can be.

I could write about how sore my calf muscles are, the sciatica in my right hip, how hard it is to get out of bed, how they're making us stay later, cutting our dinner short. Or I could tell you that the locker rooms are horrendous, I miss my niece, my friends, my pets, my house, and my boyfriend, and that I'm broke. Aaaaah, but that's tedious.

David was here this week, and everyone was so jealous that I have such a cool studio owner. He gave me very compassionate, inspirational advice and fruit sweetened, chocolate chip cookies (no trans fat either!) Unfortunately, he couldn't stay until graduation like I asked him to.

We had a mandatory disco party on Thursday night and I danced my ass off so much that I have huge blisters on my feet.

I'm a little nervous about stepping up on that podium and actually teaching a class, but I'm trusting the process, and I'm working hard. I really, really want to be a good yoga teacher.

My favorite quote right now: "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" Helen Keller

week 5

I've waited for the computer for over half an hour and now I only have 10 minutes, so this will be a short entry. It was a much better week! All the classes were hard, as usual, but, I never once thought I was going to have to leave the room. I never once worried that I can't do this. There were some very emotional moments though, as we had some very inspiring visiting teachers. One amazing teacher told us about how he had been on heroine, cocaine, and methadone when he started the yoga, and how it had changed his life. So many amazing stories here. It is amazing to be in a crowd of people, and to respect them all. Sometimes the lines and the cramped locker rooms really get on my nerves, but I'm always aware how much worse it would be if the people I'm sharing space with weren't so mindful.

I'd been here for 5 weeks without seeing the ocean, so yesterday I rented a car and went to Malibu, and then to Venice beach with 3 friends. There's so much studying to be done, and I might have some catch up to do this week, but a girl's gotta have some fun!

Katie Hedges was here this week. It was great to see her. And, I am oh so looking forward to seeing David on Wednesday. I wonder if he knows we're having a disco party on Thursday night. For those of you who don't know, Bikram is the king of disco. Thats all for now. Take care.

week 4

Everyone is celebrating training being halfway over. They're all delusional. Its not halfway over until Wednesday. Letitia said during week 3, that training is like one big pressure cooker, and they just keep turning up the heat. She was right. Monday and Tuesday were full of fear for me. Monday night's class was so hot that it was everything I could do to not run out of the room screaming. Somehow I managed to go back into Camel pose because I imagined that my life depended on it. Physically, I don't know if I've ever gone through anything more difficult. During the first couple weeks, I was comparing this experience to one of running a marathon. I was thinking week 3 should be about mile 8 or so, and week 4 should be like mile 13, etc... But early this week I realized that its much more like running two marathons a day, mentally. And thats when I felt overwhelmed with fear. How can this keep getting harder? Won't I crack? Won't I go insane? Do I even want to survive this torture? I'm paying for this???

On Wednesday, we had some visiting teachers from Texas, Joni and Mike. In their classes, the vents were open a little and their southern accents were calm and comforting. They never shouted, and I never thought about running out screaming. I enjoyed going deeper and deeper into the postures. Classes here at teacher training aren't normal. They try to push us past our limits. Luckily, they must realize that we do have limits and each class can't be that hard.

Friday we had a lecture from Ann Marie Benstrom, Bikram's "female guru." She is an amazing 78 year old Swedish woman who introduced some very radical ideas. She was beyond inspiring, and even Bikram sat and listened to her with full attention.

To end the week we had a lecture from Bikram that went on until 1 a.m., I think I got a lot out of it. I stayed awake for it, anyway.

I'm trying not to predict what's going to happen next or worry about it. I remind myself all the time why I wanted to come here, who made it possible, and who is holding the fort down for me while I'm away. Thanks for being interested! Take care of yourselves!

week 3

Week 3 is over, meaning we're 1/3 the way through this crazy journey, and people are starting to see and feel changes in their bodies and minds. The week was tough, especially towards the end. Monday I feel like a shiny new penny, Friday I feel like a sore, limp noodle. Last night, Juan, an amazing yogi, taught our class, and it was, to me, the most challenging yet. He talks like an auctioneer, non-stop and very fast. There's almost no time to think about how tired you are or how hot it is (but I found a few moments to totally pity myself and despise him). At the end of this class which totally blew us all away, he announced that we could go home, that there would be no lecture or posture clinic. So, I slept for 9 hours last night before I went to class this morning, and it felt like heaven. Never have I appreciated sleep and free time as much as I do now.

The best thing that happened this week? Letitia came. Before I came here, I met Letitia once, briefly. I knew that she co-owns the studio in Albuquerque and owns the one in Santa Fe, I'd heard she was a tough teacher, and that she is an artist, but that's about it. She is amazing. Her class was also very challenging, but a big part of the challenge was too not laugh so hard that you couldn't breathe. She is hilarious, and she didn't allow us to think about the pain, the struggle, the effort, she told the funniest stories about her training - the kennel cough, the rashes, etc... At the end of class she reminded us that being a yoga teacher is about facilitating other people's healing and growth, that our job is one of service. During the overwhelming thunder of rhthmic, excited applause at the end of her class, I realized that she co-owns the studio that I am going to be working for, and I felt so happy I cried.

Everything feels right. I'm meant to be here, and I am so looking forward to being a part of the studio that introduced all this to me. Got to go memorize!!